Monday, January 07, 2008

"Liberry" Glossary: Old White Women

Old White Women
-collective noun

A loose affiliation of elderly Caucasian females who continually demonstrate themselves to be the fussiest, least easy-to-please human beings on the planet. Members of the Old White Women collective come well-armored with a thick and chitinous shell of entitlement that cannot be cracked by mere mortals. They are either used to people jumping at their merest whim or are forever longing for the days of yore when people jumped at their merest whim. They are completely unaccustomed to not getting their way and being told they cannot do that which they wish to do and become quite put out when such situations inevitably occur. Their most favored attack posture in these circumstances is a deftly-wielded, razor-sharp, obstinate insistence that they be allowed to do whatever it is they want to do anyway and despite all logic and policy that might say otherwise. Very often, it is all the weaponry they need, for it can be a powerful force indeed. The most frequent obstacle they face at the "liberry," therefore, is their inability to check out library materials without their library card or the requirement of a drivers license number to get said card. Old White Women are rarely seen to be happy about anything at all.

While there is no obvious organizational structure to their ranks, (much as in the case with a similar loose affiliation of the elderly, The Grampy Patrol) there is definitely something of an exclusive membership present. Membership in the order of Old White Women is not compulsory by any means, for the vast majority of the world's population of both old women and white women are not members. However, membership in the ranks of the Old White Women does seem to be dependent upon being both old and white. Wealth and privilege is also a traditional characteristic of the membership majority, particularly at levels which elevate the individual old white woman above the reality experienced by most other human beings. Abbreviations: OWW (Old White Women); OWL (Old White Lady/Ladies)

(Famous Old White Women: Mrs. Owl, Mrs. Delva Poopoohead of the New England Poopooheads, Mrs. Manic, Mrs. Carol Satan, Hillary Clinton, Queen Elizabeth II)

(Honoray Old White Women: Ann Coulter, Mr. Crab)

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I couldn't help but chuckle after reading your definition of "The grampy patrol." My grandfather always referred to them as "old men in hats," and complained loudly and bitterly about their driving habits without ever acknowledging that he had become one himself. :)

Tony Kris said...

My personal favorite sub-species of the OWL is the Church OWL, who's superior attitude is based upon divine right. That and they'll give you a "Harumph" (the verb form describing the action of leveling one's self-righteousness upon another)if you do not comply to their every whim. I suppose we only get that breed of OWL in the South.

Jan said...

Of course the song of the Old White Women goes something like this: (to the tune of "I am Woman")
"I am taxpayer, hear me whine
I deserve to skip the line
and I pay your salary, so check my book..."

Marnie said...

I've always wondered what you do about people who don't have a driver's license. How can they get a library card?


An employee of a small town "liberry" chronicles his quest to remain sane while dealing with patrons who could star in a short-lived David Lynch television series.