Following the Dufus's miraculous return to town, he had become desperate to find some sort of use for his oh so obvious talents in areas of publicity and fund-raising.
Can ya guess who he chose to inflict himself on?
see, our library board is in the process of raising money to build a
new library. And while they have already raised 40 percent of the $3
million needed to start the building process (all without the Dufus's
help, I might add) the Dufus felt we were in dire need of his P.R.
services and has taken every opportunity afforded him (we quickly
learned to stop affording him opportunities if we can at all help it) to
sing his own praises in the art of fundraising and publicity and drop a
few dozen important names while doing it.
It turns out
the Dufus had been hogging our computers for two afternoons to write an
article about the library itself, which he hoped to peddle to one or
more of our local papers and use as a big weasely foot in the door while
stumping for a job to our board.
In the following
weeks, he was in a constant state of panic trying to get a meeting with
our head Librarian, Mrs. A, in order to discuss his sprawling and
unsolicited plans for a marketing campaign. Mrs. A, meanwhile, was in a
panic to avoid the Dufus at all costs. Through a series of incredible
coincidences, he always seemed to come in to see her just when she was
headed out the door on important errands.
didn't help that Mrs. A had recently purchased and was living in the
former home of the Dufus's grandmother. So not only did he stalk Mrs. A
for a job interview but also to beg permission to come by and see the
house he spent so much time in as a Dufusy little whelp.
that he was never able to sync schedules with Mrs. A, the Dufus took to
sitting in on as many library board meetings as possible. This is
completely cool, as the meetings are open to the public, but the Dufus
used the time to continue singing his own praises, listing off
congressmen he's friendly with, actors and socialites he personally
knows and famous authors who regularly throw him birthday parties,
(though I somehow question whether Homer Hickam actually threw the
Dufus's weasel-ass a birthday party, being as how the only reason Hickam
was in the state in the first place was for a Rocket Boys reunion down
in what's left of Coalwood, a party the Dufus no doubt crashed in the
first place). The Dufus also went on at length about the tremendous
amount of fundraising he did for a library in California and how he
could do the same for us. The board actually researched this point. It
turned out that the Dufus's part of the fundraising was a miniscule
portion of a much bigger project involving thousands of other people, in
which he mattered very little.
As you might guess, our
board was not at all impressed by the Dufus and his name droppings,
particularly since one member of the board already IS a former
congressman and another is the heir to the fortune of a major toiletries
manufacturing corporation, a lady the Pope might come to for a loan.
were equally unimpressed a few weeks later, when they heard that the
Dufus paid a visit to the state library commission and introduced
himself to one of the state officials as the new P.R. man for our
library's building project. The official hadn't realized we'd chosen
anyone for the job yet, and phoned us up to inquire about it. Mrs. A
informed them that we hadn't chosen anyone, but we now had a permanent
candidate for the DO NOT HIRE list.
(To Be Concluded)