Friday, May 02, 2008

"...and the librarian never saw those books again. The end."

I arrived at work to find Mrs. A on the phone, talking semi-heatedly with someone about overdue books. From the sound of it, the books were quite overdue. There also seemed to be some issue of whether or not the person on the other end of the line had checked them out in the first place, or whether her husband had. More disagreements seemed to ensue, until Mrs. A at last told the woman that none of the overdues would be removed from her card, nor would our note concerning the overdues she had from us and those she had from Town-C's library unless all library books were returned to their proper libraries or otherwise paid for. This was starting to sound familiar, and with good reason, for the person on the other end of the line was none other than our old one time rogue, Mrs. Lying D. Sackashit.

I soon received the skinny from Mrs. C and Mrs. A, for they knew of my previous involvement in the case due to the fact that I was the author of the very patron record note Mrs. Sackashit had called to complain about. It's a note which reads: "7/15/05 Patron has 9 items out from TRI-METRO COUNTY from 1998 and 2000. May not check out anything further until these have been paid for. Patron claims never to have had a card with TOWN-C nor to have checked out any of the items overdue there since May, nor to have actually been in TOWN-C's library since MRS. V was there. Husband, BLOATED SACKASHIT, has a card and has checked out the items she wished to get today. -TMCL"

It seems that after Mrs. Lying D. Sackashit's previous visit--during which it was determined that not only DID she already have a library card complete with driver's license despite her many claims otherwise, and already HAD several items from Town-C's library checked out on it which were then overdue from three months previous, not to mention Seefiles with our library for both her and her daughter left over from our previous computer circulation software--she had also failed to return any of the books she had forced her husband to check out for her in order to get around our rules. I know, shocking. It also seems that she'd been to another library branch recently and had attempted to check out more books. That branch, in Town-H, had quickly noted that Mrs. Sackashit already had a card and explained this to her.

According to Mrs. A, who had by then spoken with Town-H's branch, Mrs. Sackashit had then calmly claimed to them that she did not have a card in the library system at all, had never even set foot in Town-C's branch and furthermore did not have any books checked out from either Town-C or Town-A. Town-H's branch, seeing the exact same claims spelled out in my note in her patron record, pointed this fact out to her, including the note itself. Didn't matter to Mrs. Sackashit. She's perfectly capable of continuing to calmly lie in the face of all claims to the contrary. She told them she'd never set foot in either Town-A or Town-C's libraries and didn't have a card at all. Nevermind that the contact information and driver's license number on her application with Town-H were exactly the same as in her pre-existing patron record, she still would not admit to having a card at any library. Wisely, Town-H declined to check anything out to her. And, having no more family members on hand to press into service, Mrs. Lying D. Sackashit had then left empty-handed.

We figure, not long after that, she'd decided to call our branch to find out what this note business was all about. So Mrs. A read it to her, then listened to Mrs. Sackashit's claims that she was not even the same person that this note concerned, again despite the fact that she lived at the exact same address and had the exact same driver's license number as the person that note concerned. Furthermore, her husband, Bloated, was also not the same Bloated Sackashit mentioned in the note, nor had he checked out any of the materials we claimed he had on her behalf. In other words, as much as it is possible to display one's shiny, polished pair of "brass-ones" over a telephone, Mrs. Lying D. Sackashit certainly had them out on two silk-covered orthopedic pillows with a WWII anti-aircraft spot trained on `em.

There was also some question raised about wildly overdue books that had been checked out by a Jessica Sackashit who appeared to live at the same address as Lying and Bloated Sackashit. Mrs. Sackashit said she didn't even know anyone named Jessica Sackashit and was of no relation to her and, therefore, didn't have any of her books. Mrs. A countered that according to Town-C's librarian, who she'd been in contact with, Jessica Sackashit was Lying and Bloated's daughter (the very daughter, in point of fact, for whom Mrs. Lying D. Sackashit had originally come to our library back in 2005 to find books) and it seemed quite curious that they wouldn't know her.

Mrs. Lying D. Sackashit then gave the equivalent of: "Ohhhhhh, you mean JESSICA Sackashit. Come to think of it, she IS our daughter." I'm paraphrasing, of course, but that was the gist according to Mrs. A.

Lie after lie after lie after lie, spat out as calmly as could be.

Mrs. A told Mrs. Sackashit that we would not be removing the note from her record until such a time as she paid for her books, because clearly this patron record WAS hers, as were those of Bloated and Jessica theirs. Mrs. Sackashit would also need to take up the matter of the books and/or money she owed to Town-C's library with them before any sort of service would resume. Mrs. Sackashit very calmly accepted this and politely hung up.

Afterward, Mrs. A said noted that she'd not had so many lies spat in her face at once since the patron with the Dick Francis problem the other day.


Leapin' Lipid said...

Other than Paranoid Rick James, I think Mr. Bloated Sackashit is the patron name that I love best.

J said...

Situations like this are why, as a rule, I hate all people.

Gardenbuzzy said...

I think I've hurt myself laughing. Thanks, Juice!

Anonymous said...

This is worse than our patron who claimed that it was his twin brother, who incidentially had the exact same name, who in fact had all of those overdue books checked out on his card.

An employee of a small town "liberry" chronicles his quest to remain sane while dealing with patrons who could star in a short-lived David Lynch television series.