An employee of a small town "liberry" chronicles his quest to remain sane while dealing with patrons who could star in a short-lived David Lynch television series.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Actual Telephone Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries #129

SETTING: My "liberry" on a very busy Monday, shortly after we open when we're at our busiest.

*RING*

ME— Tri-Metro County Library.

MS. GREEN— Hey, this is MS. GREEN. Are you busy? Is it busy there right now?

ME— Yeah. Actually, we're quite busy right now.

MS. GREEN— Oh, okay. Well, I had a couple of questions. Do you have a public fax machine?

ME— Yes.

MS. GREEN— And I'd just pay you for it?

ME— Yes.

MS. GREEN— Okay. I'll have to come up and do that. The other question was... well, someone told me that YOU do computer classes.

(And by the intonation of her voice when she said "YOU" I took it to mean that she had heard that I personally conducted computer classes, not the library in general, not that the library does either.)

ME— No, that is incorrect.

MS. GREEN— That is incorrect?

ME—
Yes.

MS. GREEN— So, it's correct that it's incorrect?

(WTF?)

ME— Its... I do not do computer classes and we do not do computer classes here at this time.

MS. GREEN— Oh, okay. Well, do you have any recommendations for somewhere I could take them?

ME— I don't know of anything in the area. I know that LIBRARY IN NEXT COUNTY OVER THAT HAS THEIR OWN COMPUTER LAB DEDICATED TO THE TASK AND DOESN'T HAVE TO FIGHT WITH INNANET CROWDERS OVER THE USE OF THEM LIKE WE WOULD does them, but I don't know about anywhere around TRI-METRO.

MS. GREEN— But the community college does them?

ME— I don't know.

MS. GREEN— You don't know?

ME— I don't know. I am unaware of them doing them.

MS. GREEN— You're unaware of them doing them? (Pause) So what you're saying is that you don't know if the community college does them?

ME— (How many &%*#ing ways must I spell this out?) What I am saying is that I, JUICE AARON, am not personally aware of anyone conducting computer classes in the area. That said, I am also not personally aware that anyone is not conducting them, either. So the community college may well be teaching computer classes, I am just not aware of it and could not tell you authoritatively one way or the other. You might give them a call.

(Pause)

MS. GREEN— So you're saying that you don't know of any?

ME— That is what I'm saying.

MS. GREEN— But that you don't know that they're not?

ME—
That is what I'm saying.

(You know, if Verizon were to develop a feature whereby I could set fire to other people over the telephone, I'd pay extra to have that as part of my monthly service.)

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