Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Actual Telephone Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries #5

*RING*

ME: TRI-METRO County Public Library.

MALE PATRON: (GRUFFLY) Yeah, I'm gonna need some information. Do your computers subscribe to Consumer Reports online service?

ME: Well, we don't have any kind of special on-line subscription to their site. We do have a regular subscription to the magazine, though.

MALE PATRON: So do you have the CAR issue for this year? Every January they put out a special CAR issue with all the CARS in it. Do you have that?

ME: This would be part of the regular magazine subscription, right?

MALE PATRON: Yeah.

ME: Then, yes, we should have it.

MALE PATRON: (SUSPICIOUSLY) You have that?

ME: (YES, DAMMIT!!) Yes.

About half an hour later he comes in. The man suspiciously resembled Special Prosecutor Ken Starr in both appearance and interrogating manner. We store all the Consumer Reports Car issues behind the desk (along with the Sport Illustrated Swimsuit Issues) as they otherwise get stolen from their storage box upstairs. When I pass him this past APRIL's car issue, he completely fails to notice that it IS in fact the CAR ISSUE that he requested and concentrates entirely on the big "APRIL" printed on the corner of the cover. Apparently this doesn't jibe with when the CAR issue is published on his planet.

MALE PATRON: No. I said I want the January issue! The CAR issue!

ME: That IS the CAR issue.

MALE PATRON: (FINALLY READS THE REST OF THE COVER) Oh.

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An employee of a small town "liberry" chronicles his quest to remain sane while dealing with patrons who could star in a short-lived David Lynch television series.