Wednesday, February 18, 2004

More Tales of the Bladder Thieves

Both the official and unofficial investigations into the theft of the "liberry's" laptop are going frustratingly slow. [See Legion of Evil Doers (with Bashful Bladders), Tales of the Bladder Thief and Drama, Drama, Drama to find out where we last left our Junior "Liberry" Detectives.]

The suspects in the case, Jimmy the "Anonymous" Snitch and the Amazing Bladderboy, continue to flaunt their guilt by coming in to use the computers. Actually, only Jimmy uses the computers; Bladderboy usually goes upstairs, (where I'm happy to say he's found the upstairs restroom annoyingly locked at all times, should he have attempted to get into it), or sits in a chair near the computers.

It annoys me tremendously that they do this, mostly because I'm not allowed to give them dirty looks and make snide comments about their not needing to use our computers since they already stole our #$!%ing laptop, as I don't want to tip-off Bladderboy that we're onto him, prompting him to ditch any incriminating evidence, or, as is the case, tip off the current possessor of our laptop into ditching it.

Herein lies the problem. According to Jimmy the Snitch's original anonymous letter, the laptop is no longer even in Bladderboy's possession, as he's already passed it off to a third party friend.

Meanwhile, there's been little word from the police as to whether they've contacted Jimmy the Snitch regarding his anonymous note to us claiming he knows who horked our laptop and that he's willing to turn-in said weak-bladdered asshole and his third party friend. Mrs. A decided to simply confront Jimmy the Snitch about the matter.

One day when Jimmy was in, sans Bladderboy, Mrs. A drug him up to her office and put the question to him: Are you gonna piss or get off the pot? I'm paraphrasing, of course, but that's the gist. Was Jimmy planning to get off his ass and rat out his thieving friends any time soon so we might have some hope of getting our laptop back?

Jimmy whined that the third party friend who has the laptop is out of town at the moment, but would be coming back and at such a time Jimmy thinks he can probably get the laptop and get it back to us. Mrs. A pointed out that this might lead to an asskicking or worse if Jimmy's friends ever noted that we had our laptop back. He didn't seem to concerned, which leads me to think he no longer has any intentions of helping us and is just trying to pacify Mrs. A. I say this because we know that Jimmy frequently gets beat up. We presume that Bladderboy is the one doing the beating, but we don't know that for sure.

(Of course, my solution to all this would be to inform Jimmy that if he doesn't hurry up and rat his thieving friends out, we're going to inform his thieving friends of his treachery against them and let them all sort it out on their own with their own methods. Unfortunately, this might lead to Jimmy's death and/or dismemberment, so I can't in good conscience go through with such a plan.)

Jimmy tried to assure Mrs. A that he didn't think his third party friend would try to sell the laptop, or if he did he might try to pawn it somewhere. (I imagine the police have thought of this.)

Unfortunately, our own Junior Detective work has lead to the discovery that the Compaq laptop serial number Jimmy quoted in his anonymous note is not in fact a serial number from a Compaq laptop at all, but is, at best, the part number from a Compaq laptop battery. (Asshole!) We have since confirmed the actual serial number of our laptop, after an irritatingly long time spent on the phone with Compaq, so if the police ever find the damned thing they can match it all up.

As to whether Jimmy's third party friend is planning to sell it, that's still up in the air. In fact, a startlingly similar Compaq notebook has appeared in the local want-ads of the paper. Mrs. A called the number of the guy who's selling it and asked him a few pointed questions as to what model it is. She managed to get a model number out of him on the pretense that she wanted to look it up on Compaq's website.

Now this is where it gets even foggier and more frustrating... As of this writing, I don't know if Mrs. A or Mrs. C has actually looked up the laptop to see if it's even the same kind as was stolen from us. I also don't know if they've passed this info on to the police. I'm hoping they have, but things have moved rather slow in that direction thus far and Mrs. A was not around for me to ask. Here's hoping Thursday goes better.

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An employee of a small town "liberry" chronicles his quest to remain sane while dealing with patrons who could star in a short-lived David Lynch television series.