Thursday, February 05, 2004

Drama Drama Drama

Okay. We've had a lot of drama at the liberry lately, but today really pushed it to a new level.

Remember a couple weeks back when we had our laptop stolen? Remember how, clever Junior Detectives that we are, we had narrowed down the list of suspects to two people, one of which had been a daily computer user UNTIL the theft of the laptop? Well there have been new developments in the case and we've FINALLY called the police about it.

Now, mind you, the entire "liberry" staff has been BEGGING Mrs. A to call the cops about the theft since it all went down. I don't know why she didn't want to, unless maybe it's because all our evidence as to who did it was based on a hunch. Thankfully, hunches have now been abandoned.

Today, (before I arrived, of course), one of our key suspects came in and asked if he could speak with my fellow Liberry Ass. Mrs. B in private outside. Let's call him Jimmy the Snitch. So Jimmy tells Mrs. B that he knows who took the laptop and he wants to turn the person in but he wishes to remain anonymous while he does it. He said that he didn't learn of the theft of the laptop for four days after it occurred and once he found out about it he decided he wanted no part of it. According to Jimmy, the laptop's hard drive has been wiped clean and has actually been given to a third party at this point by the second party who originally stole it. Jimmy is willing to provide evidence about the laptop, but he's scared and doesn't want the second party--let's call him The Amazing Bladderboy, as it was his bashful bladder that lead him to our private bathroom where the laptop was stored in the first place--to learn that Jimmy was the one who'd snitched on him. Jimmy also doesn't want the cops to think HE had anything to do with it because Jimmy the Snitch has a long history with the local law enforcement already. He's been brought up on embezzlement charges and taken to court on more than one occasion, including one several years ago where our own Mrs. C served on his jury and was only unable to help convict his ass that time because the evidence was too weak.

You think the drama's flying thick yet? Oh, no. It gets better.

Not only are Jimmy the Snitch and the Amazing Bladderboy friends... they are also LOVERS! Well, maybe WERE is the more appropriate word here...

Still, the fact that they ever were leads me to ask the question, what the hell is it with our library and half-assed gay master-criminals? I mean, we already had the Untalented Mr. Ripley and the Even Less Talented Mr. Ripley... now we've got Jimmy & Bladderboy too?

So anyways... Jimmy not only tells Mrs. B he knows who took the laptop, but he gives her a nice typed up anonymous note to that effect too. It even includes the make and serial number of the laptop for added authenticity. Pretty sweet no? What he doesn't give is the name of the person who took it, i.e. Bladderboy. Then Jimmy the Snitch leaves, saying that if the police are interested he's willing to cooperate.

Mrs. C calls Mrs. A, who's out of town, to let her know all of this and Mrs. A finally relents and tells Mrs. C to call the cops and get the ball rolling on the official investigation (I guess since we've already pretty much wrapped up the un-official one). So Mrs. C calls a guy on the force that she knows, but has to leave a message for him as he's out.

Bout this time, I amble in and hear the above sordid details. I say I figure Jimmy's probably telling the truth about not being in on the laptop's theft since he knows full well that Mrs. C works there and that she had served on the jury against him all those years before and has no great love for him in the first place so she would most certainly suspect his previously-nearly-convicted ass of stealing the laptop in the first place, which is exactly what had happened. Makes sense to me, at least.

Now it's all pretty dramatic up to this point. You'd think we were bout drama'd out for the day, no? Uh uh.

"Isn't that the guy?" Mrs. B said from her position by the liberry's front window.

A moment later the door bumps open and Bladderboy himself comes in. Not only that, but he looks SUPER PISSED. He stalks through our main room and then back toward the computer hall where he has a look at the people there. Evidently he was looking for buddy Jimmy, who wasn't there, so he stalks back through and out the door. Mrs. B, still at the window, quickly notes Bladderboy's license plate number as he drives off, earning her yet another gold star on her Junior Detective Score Card.

By mid afternoon we'd finally gotten through to Mrs. C's policeman friend and he came down to take possession of the anonymous note from Jimmy, plus Bladderboy's license number and to hear our version of the whole matter.

"Wow. You all are doing some detective work here," the officer said.

"Are you kidding? This place is information central," I told him.

"So I should probably be coming up here for tips more often?"

"Oh, yeah."


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An employee of a small town "liberry" chronicles his quest to remain sane while dealing with patrons who could star in a short-lived David Lynch television series.