The Return of Paranoid Rick James

I'd just returned from break, yesterday, when I spied Paranoid Rick James walking through on his way to the books on tape. (This is the same Superfreak patron who raised holy hell at having to supply a drivers license and physical address in order to get a new library card, who screamed at us claiming we were in cahoots with Homeland Security, who then stormed out, sans card, only to sheepishly crawl back a week later and apply for one, handing over all the information he'd raised such hell about before.)

Now, Rick's been pretty scarce since receiving his card. His girlfriend, Gladys Knight, has been in regularly, though, so we've been assuming that many of the books on tape she was choosing were likely for Rick too. Whatever. No crime there.  However, from the moment I saw him yesterday, I knew exactly how things were about to play out and this time my skills of prophecy were right on the money.

Rick made a few selections from the books on tape section and moseyed on up toward the circ desk. I saw him coming and suddenly became preoccupied with shelving books in an effort to appear too busy to help him, forcing Mrs. C to do it instead. Mrs. C, who was already behind the circulation desk, trumped me, though, by suddenly becoming too preoccupied in talking on the phone to deal with Rick, so I was forced to come over to do it anyway.

I picked up the barcode scanner and stood there waiting for Rick to produce his card. Here's where my prediction came to fruition.

"Oh, um. I'm in there already under RICK JAMES," Rick said, pointing at our circulation computer.

"Do you have your library card?" I asked, knowing full well what the answer would be.

"Uh, no. Not on me," he said, patting his pockets.

"Well, we do need your card."

Rick tried for a moment to look surprised at this, then seemed to think better of it. After all, Mrs. C, a witness to his original tantrum, was standing right there. Plus I'm the guy who issued him his card a week after his tantrum and he knows good and well that I told him he would need it every time he checked something out. He wasn't giving up yet, though.

"I, uh. I guess I left it at home," he said. Then Rick stood there and stared at me trying to look innocent, probably expecting I would relent and let him check his tapes out after all. Now, it is so completely against policy to do that, but we have given ourselves the option of checking books out on our own personal cards and allowing patrons to take them, provided we make a note in our own record as to who took what. We've also been known to confirm the drivers license number between their physical license and their patron record and proceed from there. Those were my options. However, I was not about to use either option for the benefit of this tantrum-throwing dickweed. (Nor anyone else, for that matter, cause I think checking stuff out on my card for other people is just a bad idea.) I just stared right back at him.

"Yep. Don't have it," he said, patting his pockets down once again.

"If you like, we can hold your books here at the desk and you can pick them up when you bring your card," I told him.

"Uh, no. No, I don't want to do that," he said, still remaining nice and polite.

"We could issue you a replacement card," I said. "We would charge $1 for it, though."

"I don't think I have a dollar," he said, now thrusting hands into pockets in a search. He eventually brought out 35 cents and held it out in his hand for me to see. "Looks like all I have."

"Well, like I said," I told him, not even looking at his sympathy bait, "we can hold your books here for you at the desk."

Rick decided he still didn't want that, sighed and made one last attempt to look pitiful as he trudged slowly back toward the books on tape section to put them away. It was all I could do to hold back the torrent of compassionate tears straining at the corners of my eyes.

A minute later, his gambit an obvious failure, Rick returned to the circ desk with his tapes and said he'd changed his mind and we could hold them for him after all.

I will now make a further prediction: If Rick does return for his tapes himself, he will not return with HIS card but with Gladys Knight's card. More likely, he'll just send Gladys Knight for them, all to avoid actually using his own card, further preventing the government from knowing the titles of all the chick novels he likes to read.