Friday, November 23, 2007

A sign we desperately need.

To be placed directly above the urinal at eye-level.


Though we cannot fathom why this sign should be necessary, for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, and for the sake of the noses and eyes of our staff, please, PLEASE, PLEASE flush the damned urinal after you've used it. We the staff find it unacceptable that the urinal is full of bright yellow piss and a few pube floaters every time we come in for a scheduled inspection. It is a situation that must change and that change must start with you the patron.

Now, we understand that you may not wish to contaminate your hands with the penis-germs left by other urinal users who—in theory, at least—used their wang-hand to touch the flush-handle. This is indeed an unfortunate probability. To avoid contamination of your hands while flushing, we invite you to instead use an elbow, shoulder, foot, chin or, indeed, your own wang, to flush the urinal in lieu of digital manipulation. Alternately, one of the primary reasons God created toilet-paper was to act as a barrier between hands and mooky stinks. You will find a plentiful supply of said paper in the toilet stall directly next to you and are invited to use it for this purpose. (Please do us the courtesy of depositing your penis-germ-infected flush-barrier paper in either our waste-paper receptacle or in the toilet; not in the urinal. Depositing your paper in the urinal will only draw our ire and our wrath; for as unfortunate as it would be to contaminate your hands with penis germs, it would be even more unfortunate to have a stout metal book-end crammed up your ass by an irate gang of staff-members.)

When you've finished flushing, we invite you to wash your hands. Please note that it is not necessary to fling water everywhere during the process of washing your hands. It is perfectly possible and preferable that you simply soap them up, rub them soapily, rinse them and dry them without excess water flingage. Tutorials on how to accomplish this are available by appointment at the circulation desk.

In closing, flush the damned urinal, wash your damned hands, don't fling water everywhere doing it, keep the place clean and shut up.


Sheila Rene said...

Good thing I didn't have a mouthful of coffee when I read this.

Ordinary Janet said...

I'm assuming they're actually hitting the urinal and not splattering on the floor?

Woeful said...

Nice! Today must be sign day. Over at my blog, I just posted several signs I would like to see @ the Library!

Canadian Girl said...

Just one word to say: Eeeeewwww!

Monster Library Student said...

ha ha ha...loved it. You made me laugh outloud in our library, and then share the post and have a consequent conversation about bathroom etiquette with a co-worker. :)

Juice S. Aaron said...


That's a whole other sign.

Anonymous said...

It's reading about stuff like this that makes me very glad to be a girl (granted that the ladies bathrooms aren't exactly immaculate either).

An employee of a small town "liberry" chronicles his quest to remain sane while dealing with patrons who could star in a short-lived David Lynch television series.