An employee of a small town "liberry" chronicles his quest to remain sane while dealing with patrons who could star in a short-lived David Lynch television series.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Actual Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries #68

(Setting: My "liberry." A large and repulsively stinky man—stinkier still than Mr. Stanky himself—arrives and signs up for a computer. Our computers are all full and a female patron is already waiting for the one that's about to become available.)

ME— It's going to be a few minutes before we have a computer for you.

MR. STANKIER— Oh, do you think so?

ME— Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

(I go back to the computer hall, see that there is now a free computer, log it off and back on and then start back up front to tell the female patron her computer is ready. As I pass through the children's room, Mr. Stankier is on his way back to the computer hall.)

MR. STANKIER— So, you got me fixed up?

ME— (Pause) No. No, I don't. Like I said, it's going to be a few minutes before we have a computer available for you.

MR. STANKIER— Oh. A few minutes, then?

ME— Yes.

(What I really want to say to him, though, is: "What the hell is it with all the large, rock stupid, foul and stinky patrons we seem to attract? Is there a club of you guys I'm unaware of? And does it meet in the ass of a dead dog?")

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