Today was one of the slowest days on record. We only checked out maybe 40 books the whole day and only had around 30 check-ins. We're usually well over 100 in both. Not that any of us was bored, mind you. We had plenty of new books to process and a raging pedophile/magazine thief to chase around the library to boot.
That's right, Chester the (potential) Molester, the patron who must not be named, graced us with his foul presence once again. Actually, today we were foully graced thrice.
Grace #1: This morning Chester popped by for his usual tally of the
population of early teenage girls in house. His tally came to zero, so
up the stairs he went to scope out which of our magazines prominently
featuring early teen girls he might like to steal. Oh, we had a few,
but Mrs. A's office is right there at the magazine rack and she saw him
lurching up the stairs and came out of her office to watch him. She's
getting really good at this. I'm proud of her. Chester, however, is
not. He broke off his (potential) attempted theft of a copy of Rolling
Stone, (which didn't have a girl on the cover, but did have a picture of
Andre 3000 from Outkast, who is something of a dandy, so maybe Chester
was confused), and escaped to his fall back position of the non-fiction
room. Finding yet another goose egg in our teenage girl population,
Chester soon came back through the reading area, where Mrs. A still
stood vigil, engrossed in conversation with Mrs. J. Chester was foiled
again, so he retreated down the stairs where Mrs. C picked up his trail
and followed him through the still empty kid's room, into the main room
and saw him flee out the door. I learned of all this after I came in
for work a while later.
Foul Grace #2: Shortly after
hearing the above story, Chester came in again. I must say, he's not
looking all that great these days. Granted, he didn't look great to
start with, what with his uncanny resemblance to a bloated,
syphilis-addled Chris Penn gone to seed. (I guess I should say Chris
Penn gone to seed even more than the real Chris Penn already has. I
like Chris and all, but daaaaamn. Oh, and Corky Romano was simply
unforgivable.) Chester was wearing his usual filthy fleece vest today,
but had traded his ratty little short-brimmed cap for a ratty blue toque
that was even rattier. So ratty was it that there were actual gaping
holes in his toque's surface, allowing greasy tufts of brown hair to
poke through them. Once again Chester came up goose-egg on the teen
population and teen magazine population due to the efforts of Mrs. A and
Mrs. C, who immediately began hounding his every step as soon as he hit
the door. To try and draw attention away from them, Chester had to
snatch up one of the free county real-estate brochures, which he hauled
out the door with him, pausing only briefly to ask me if the brochure
I suggested to Mrs. A that we needed to
abandon all pretense with Chester and simply have every library employee
file in behind him in a conga line the next time he came in. One of us
could have a little boom box with some music and we could just dance
along behind him as he makes his way through the library. We
practically do it anyway, so why not add music and choreography. At
least with the pedophile conga we could all keep an eye on him. What's
the worst that could happen? He gets confirmation of his suspicion that
we don't like him? He gets offended and never comes back again? We
should only be so lucky.
Foul Grace #3: Shortly after I
went on break and left the building, Chester returned for round three.
This time there was a teenage girl in the children's room, but Chester
didn't have time enough to notice her at first as he was once again on
the run from Mrs. A. She followed him upstairs and he had to snatch up
yet another real-estate brochure to deflect attention from himself.
(It's obviously working.) Then down the stairs he came only to discover
the girl in the children's room. It was a short lived joy, for Mrs. A
and Mrs. C both stepped into the room and set about staring at him,
causing him to immediately flee the room and indeed the building.
I learned of this too after returning from break.
After relating her Chester update, Mrs. C said, "Oh, guess who else came in to return a book this morning?"
"No way! Not Kammy K?!"
Oh, yes, it had been Kammy K: The Book Hoarding Bizatch,
who's had a neighboring county's interlibrary loan copy of "Real Age:
Are You As Young As You Can Be?" since last May, causing us no end of
"She brought it back?"
"Came in with the book and her checkbook," Mrs. C said.
"Well, what did she say about it?"
"She said she got a letter from us about her late book." Only one? "She said her family had moved recently and she'd lost the book until now."
to write us a check for it, but we didn't take any money since she
brought the book back," Mrs. C continued. (Let me just say, I would
have taken that woman's money in a heartbeat. At the very least, it
could pay postage for sending it back, plus rental charges for keeping
the book a full 10 months beyond its due date. And it would help soothe
our newly bruised collective sense of outrage over the whole matter. I
mean, after 10 months of making us fume and pull out our hair and break
our teeth-a-clenching over stupid Kammy and her stupid book and her
stupid intentional dismissal of the great and mighty power of the
library, she has the sac to come right in and just GIVE us the book
back? And to be nice to us and offer to pay for it anyway? What the
hell? After months of ignoring us and actively avoiding us and refusing
to communicate in any way with us, this woman doesn't even have the
basic human decency to stomp through the door and throw her book at us
in a curse-strewn fit of defeat? How are we expected to maintain our
justifiable rage over the matter if she refuses to be nasty? How dare
she end this in an anti-climax like that! And how dare she make me have
to take her name off the rogues list.
What a bitch!