Gene Gene the Geneal0gy Machine is still far from being a Rogue Patron, but he’s certainly not helping himself when it comes to staying out of my field of temptation to classify him as such. In fact, he’s rapidly encroaching upon Crusty the Patron’s record for sheer computer usage.
For the past couple of days he's been really putting the geneal0gy pedal to the geneal0gy metal, burning up the hours just a researchin' and researchin' as fast as his little geneal0gist fingers can go. Apparently, it's been going well for him. Trouble is, other people need to use computers too, so we have to bust him off frequently. Now Gene's never ever been nasty to us when we've had to go back and tell him his time is up. However, his typical reaction when we do is almost as annoying.
As we approach, Gene looks up at us to roll his eyes in a mostly inoffensive way. We then break the news to him someone's waiting for his computer at which point he shakes his head and gives off a little laugh in what I can only intuit is a George-McFly-wagging-a-finger-at-old-Biff "Oh, you wacky liberry staff, interrupting my important important work, yet again. Well, I guess I'll go ahead and get up, but only because I'm such a nice guy. What am I gonna do with you crazy kids?" sort of tone. It's okay if you hear such a laugh once, but after the 5th time in a day, it really starts to gnaw on your ass.
Gene then makes a giant production of gathering up all his geneal0gy crap, which he'd previously spread across the whole of creation (i.e., his computer desk) and packing it neatly away in his giant geneal0gy-crap-bag, which he then hauls up front to begin the next stage of his campaign of annoyance.
See the brilliance of Gene is that he has a sure fire method of getting a new computer as quickly as possible. He plants himself in the front room and proceeds to lecture anyone in proximity on the infernally-boring subject of his geneal0gy research. He whips out a chart and starts pointing at relatives, telling you where they came from, why they left where they had originated from, what they did when they got where they were going, what their name got changed to, where they moved, who they married, what libraries they did their geneal0gy research in, what "liberry" staff they irritated, etc. When he starts in on that, we can't kick other patrons off computers fast enough. And if it turns out there's going to be a long wait for the next computer patron to run out of time, (say, anything over a minute) it rapidly becomes an every-staff-member-for-themselves situation. Suddenly, alphabetizing the easy-reader section looks mighty inviting and we will break our asses running to get there first. And God help the poor, dumb, slow soul who gets trapped behind the desk when the exodus occurs, because they're the one who'll have to endure the pain.
Having been that poor, dumb, slow soul on more than one occasion, I can report that not only does Gene go on and on and ON about geneal0gy, he's now taken to complaining about the slowness of our computers, how much time the work itself takes, the costliness of the geneal0gy sites he uses, how he really needs to get his own computer, and a bunch of other stuff I try my best to tune out.
I'm now thinking the only logical defense against Gene is to stick fingers in ears and sing the Love Boat theme song at full volume, off key. That, or maybe a swift application of a "liberry" taser. And that is an essential piece of equipment we lack. I frequently propose that we buy one and just as frequently my proposal is rejected by my boss, Mrs. A. Maybe we should trap her at the desk with Gene for about 20 minutes and see how that loosens up the purse strings.
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